I’m sure
most people would call me crazy; ‘You go to work to do nothing and you’re not
happy?! Are you mad?! That’s every Egyptian’s – person’s – dream job!’
Well I suppose
this is the unegyptian part of me. I’m not going to be Nada who ‘just sat
there.’ No. I’m not going to quit – yet – not until I find something else.
I feel like I’m
stuck in a whirlpool of stupidity and mundaneness. I’m losing bits of myself
day after day, week after week and month after month.
Even the bookworm in me is dying – it could always be the book I’m reading. I’ll definitely
start a new one tomorrow. But the problem is
the will – my will. The famous
saying goes “When there’s a will, there’s a way.” But what if
there is no will?!
Every day I have
to get up, get dressed, take my bags, go to work, get creative in finding means
to pass the long hours, get in the car again and leave and hopefully get home
in one piece.
After an
absolutely meaningless day at work, I go home tired – and yes doing nothing
all day is tiresome, probably even more tiresome that doing something. It is
more tiresome, dispiriting and highly unsatisfactory.
I go home,
too tired, annoyed and bored, eat or sleep or both; then, wake up too lazy to
do anything worth mentioning or to go anywhere, especially when I’m alone and
especially now that many of the people I know have exams and the rest are just
Facebook people I haven’t seen in ages, probably even eras.
Lately, I have
bought a ton of books with more to come – already filled in orders for them. Some
will arrive later this month and I sincerely hope they break me free
of this recurrent dumb misery; the rest will
probably arrive sometime in late August or early September.
I feel like a switched-off light bulb. I need an
incentive to get me writing and reading again – reading with fervour I mean. I need
to reawaken the bookworm and writer in me.
People here
don’t see me. It’s been a year and none of them seems to know me or interested
in getting to know me – let alone understand any part of me. The same can be
partially said of me – partially not entirely.
Every time I
get on Goodreads and see the amount of books there are and how writers, worldwide in general and
in the US in particular, are flourishing and writing and publishing series
after series, I feel more frustrated and irritated. There is an
excellent medium for reading, writing and publishing there (whether for print
or Kindle or Nook or whatever) – at least I think and believe so. It’s what I see.
I desperately want to enter that world and become an accomplished writer. It’s
difficult, I’m well aware of that. But at the pace I’m in, I doubt I’ll ever
get anywhere beyond my room, keyboard and blog.
I have so many ideas in my head, but the laziness
and lack of will are killing me very slowly. I’d
like to get my masters’ degree in literature (poetry or novel), practical
criticism, linguistics, comparative literature or any such field. They even have a
masters’ degree in creative writing abroad! How cool and awesome is that!
(None of the latter here in Egypt of course, I wouldn’t
even dream of it.)
Generally these
interests of mine do not qualify for any kind of scholarship…
I start my
next German course in August – bummer. I was hoping to start in June, but that’s
not possible unless I take once per week from June till September. Not sure
what I’ll do about that yet. I was hoping for an early start to get me out of
this mood and possibly push me forward to finding new opportunities.
I plan to
finish Sir Gawain and the Green Knight today along with its review,
which I just realised is more of a summary than a review of the 98-page poem. I suppose I can
make two versions; one short review and another much lengthier summary and
review.
I still have two more book reviews that I need to
write – and by ‘need’, I mean I will not forgive myself if I don’t write them. They
are The Hobbit and My Lady Mage.
I have three more elemental poems to write – for no
publication whatsoever; ‘Water’ and ‘Fire’ being the completed two. I had
written ‘Water’ over a year ago – may be even two years ago. I wrote ‘Fire’ last
Tuesday.
I have so many stories in progress but I fear to
complete them in this mood lest I ruin them. At the same time, there is the possibility
that attempting to complete them might actually get me out of this wretched
mood.
There is still hope.
There should always be hope.
There has to be hope.
- Written Thursday, 6th of June, 2013.
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