Monday, November 23, 2015

Struggling with life & the need to breathe and be happy



I keep asking myself if I'm happy and the answer that keeps coming back is  "No".
I keep reading these quotes saying if you're unhappy about your current situation change it. But what they don't say is what if I change it and it turns out to be worse than before-which is in fact my current situation.

I took a decision, changed something  and now I'm unhappier than I used to be. I no longer have a life-even my weekends are divided between sleeping to make up for the past week and one outing, neither of which are sufficient but seem to weigh me down even more. 

Around 10 days ago I always well I was almost 90% decided on leaving  my new job, which I hadn't even completed a month in. 
Even after the pressures have lessened and the weird attitude has calmed, but still narcissistic, I still feel.... Like I traded bad for worse, which ignites the fear of change that may result in changing worse for worst.

There is also this thing about having a blank stage in my CV, that's grating on worries for future job searches-but I feel I will soon say: to hell with it.

Again I go back to the "Am I happy" question.

I feel like I'm trying hard to keep myself busy to forget about it, but when the sun sets and the work ends-or barely -the question awakens in my head all over again.

I know I'm also suffering from a burnout, but taking a day off or even two-much to the displeasure of my managers and I don't even want to think about the conversation I'll have to have with one or both or one of specific of them-I doubt those two days would make a difference. I'm not being pessimistic, just realistic in that it is a temporary break and I'll be back to the ground-not to mention a mild sense of guilt and impending sense of going back to pressure would result in an unhappy couple of days.

Are you happy? My brain asks.
I try to avoid the question. It's my brain, who am I kidding?!
It already knows the answer, but wants to give my heart it's fair time to "think", before they both agree on what needs to be done.

I was thinking of "trying" to make it till the summer, but again the burnout, among other things, is making it hard for me to put myself through this.
I sometimes feel that I was driven by bit of agreement, the others have told me that I'm not a greedy. Read in Karma-that's what I feel/felt.

People often tell you "It will pass." Well of course it will, but what do I do to make it pass. Besides, I want "it" to pass not me.

I want to keep my sanity and be happy. I realise you can't be happy every day, but on a comparison scale, I don't think you should be sad and down every day either.

I actually considered leaving the working field temporarily comment to live a bit and possibly get back to studying. The thing is, I wanted to do the "quit job temporarily part" in the summer so I could enjoy life more with the beach, waves and the sun + books, pens and paper.

As I write this, my brain asks do you feel relieved?
And my answer, just like a novel I was reading something like: No, I don't feel relieved after spitting out the truth. I just feel like I'm failing myself.

Are you happy? My brain asks.
And I get the feeling I want to blow my brains out but I hold back because there is so much I still want to write.