Thursday, June 6, 2013

Ramblings of the Troubled Mind (6-6-2013)

I’m sure most people would call me crazy; ‘You go to work to do nothing and you’re not happy?! Are you mad?! That’s every Egyptian’s – person’s – dream job!’

Well I suppose this is the unegyptian part of me. I’m not going to be Nada who ‘just sat there.’ No. I’m not going to quit – yet – not until I find something else.

I feel like I’m stuck in a whirlpool of stupidity and mundaneness. I’m losing bits of myself day after day, week after week and month after month.

Even the bookworm in me is dying – it could always be the book I’m reading. I’ll definitely start a new one tomorrow. But the problem is the will – my will. The famous saying goes “When there’s a will, there’s a way.” But what if there is no will?!

Every day I have to get up, get dressed, take my bags, go to work, get creative in finding means to pass the long hours, get in the car again and leave and hopefully get home in one piece.

After an absolutely meaningless day at work, I go home tired – and yes doing nothing all day is tiresome, probably even more tiresome that doing something. It is more tiresome, dispiriting and highly unsatisfactory.

I go home, too tired, annoyed and bored, eat or sleep or both; then, wake up too lazy to do anything worth mentioning or to go anywhere, especially when I’m alone and especially now that many of the people I know have exams and the rest are just Facebook people I haven’t seen in ages, probably even eras.

Lately, I have bought a ton of books with more to come – already filled in orders for them. Some will arrive later this month and I sincerely hope they break me free of this recurrent dumb misery; the rest will probably arrive sometime in late August or early September.

I feel like a switched-off light bulb. I need an incentive to get me writing and reading again – reading with fervour I mean. I need to reawaken the bookworm and writer in me.

People here don’t see me. It’s been a year and none of them seems to know me or interested in getting to know me – let alone understand any part of me. The same can be partially said of me – partially not entirely.

Every time I get on Goodreads and see the amount of books there are and how writers, worldwide in general and in the US in particular, are flourishing and writing and publishing series after series, I feel more frustrated and irritated. There is an excellent medium for reading, writing and publishing there (whether for print or Kindle or Nook or whatever) – at least I think and believe so. It’s what I see. I desperately want to enter that world and become an accomplished writer. It’s difficult, I’m well aware of that. But at the pace I’m in, I doubt I’ll ever get anywhere beyond my room, keyboard and blog.

I have so many ideas in my head, but the laziness and lack of will are killing me very slowly. I’d like to get my masters’ degree in literature (poetry or novel), practical criticism, linguistics, comparative literature or any such field. They even have a masters’ degree in creative writing abroad! How cool and awesome is that! (None of the latter here in Egypt of course, I wouldn’t even dream of it.)

Generally these interests of mine do not qualify for any kind of scholarship…

I start my next German course in August – bummer. I was hoping to start in June, but that’s not possible unless I take once per week from June till September. Not sure what I’ll do about that yet. I was hoping for an early start to get me out of this mood and possibly push me forward to finding new opportunities.

I plan to finish Sir Gawain and the Green Knight today along with its review, which I just realised is more of a summary than a review of the 98-page poem. I suppose I can make two versions; one short review and another much lengthier summary and review.

I still have two more book reviews that I need to write – and by ‘need’, I mean I will not forgive myself if I don’t write them. They are The Hobbit and My Lady Mage.

I have three more elemental poems to write – for no publication whatsoever; ‘Water’ and ‘Fire’ being the completed two. I had written ‘Water’ over a year ago – may be even two years ago. I wrote ‘Fire’ last Tuesday.

I have so many stories in progress but I fear to complete them in this mood lest I ruin them. At the same time, there is the possibility that attempting to complete them might actually get me out of this wretched mood.

There is still hope.

There should always be hope.

There has to be hope.

- Written Thursday, 6th of June, 2013.

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